The Teachings Of Don Pierce
by a440
Summary: Poor Jett doesn't know what real lettuce looks like, resulting in the craziest yet dire situation. Warning: slight drug references.


THE TEACHINGS OF DON PIERCE

The Beverly Hills Teens: a registered trademark of DIC (whatever that stands for) Productions

all rights reserved

DISCLAIMER: Drugs can be dangerous, and the same applies to coca leaves. If you or someone

you know is into drugs, GET HELP QUICK. And if you or someone you know is offered drugs, JUST

SAY NO.

The morning sun painted a vast swath of pink sky over Beverly Hills, and down on Rodeo Drive-

before a Volkswagen camper, painted with surrealistic colors and peace signs sped down, manned by

two Cheech & Chongesque pot heads, chased by four squad cars. And loaded in the back of the van

were bags full of coca leaf seeds, even as Pink Floyd's Time was playing on the van radio.

"Step on it, stupid!" said the first pot head hippie.

"What do you think I've been doing?!" charged the second. "Oh-oh, sharp curve ahead!"

It was true; there was a sharp turn which now overlooked a vast field of green, of hills and fancy houses;

the van made the trun round the corner with the police in pursuit, but as they made the turn, a handful of

the coca leaf seeds flew out from one of the bags, out the window, and rolled down the hill slope below, in the

green valley, then came to a stop in the backyard and into an up and coming vegtable garden belonging to

The Beverly Hills Teenclub's resident two person band known as Thomas "Gig" Josephson and Therese

"Jett" Lyman.

And, as time went on, those coca leaf seeds, landed in the dirt of the garden, fortified with rain and sun,

mixed with the other seeds, and with time, grew with the other plants, until, mixed in with the lettuce,

corn, tomatoes, carrots and so on, were coca leaf bushes, that could easily be mistaken for lettuce...

It was on one avarage day when Gig called out to Jett saying, "We'll need some carrots, lettuce and onions

for the dinner Pierce arranged tonight."

"For sure," agreed the bleach blonde bimbo, who came with a basket, and was collecting the carrots and onions.

"Won't Pierce be surprised when he sees the natural greens we raised?"

"Bloody well right," agreed th UK turned immigrated rocker, who had finished picking his share of greens and

started carrying them back to the house, saying, "At least that way, we'll all be able to eat healthier than before.

I got the onions and carrots, can you get the lettuce, Jett?"

"Sure," said Jett, who approached one of the coca leaf bushes-and as fate would have it, mistook it for lettuce

greens of an exotic kind, picking the leaves and putting them in the basket before she hurried to meet with Gig.

Night, at the Thondyke III mansion, when Gig and Jett submitted their share of vegtables to the resident chefs,

then met with their fellow BHTs in the main dining room: Pierce Thorndyke III, Troy Jefferies, Lark Tanner,

Nikki Darling, Bianca Dupree, Wilshire Brentwood, Blaze Sumners and Brad "Radley" Coleman. And right now

the said scion of the Thorndyke patriarch said, "So, you've got a surprise to add to our bill of fare, right?"

Right said," replied Gig. "We spent much of our time raising our own vegtables for days, and for the first time,

we can finally eat a much healthier meal for future get togethers and benefit the good of The Teenclub's bill of fare."

"And, " said Jett, "if it works, we can sell them to markets, restraunts and the like all over Beverly Hills and make

some money on the side."

"I'll believe it when I see-or for that matter, taste it," stated Bianca. "I never eat anything from a can that doesn't

carry anything of European origin, otherwise, I don't want it."

"Bianca picks no bones when it comes to taste," agreed Wilshire.

"We'll know for sure when we taste it," said Lark. "I can hardly wait."

"Shouldn't be that bad if it's natural," said Troy. "You know, I am pleased you two took a lot of effort to

raise natural vegtables."

"I only hope, " said Nikki, "it gets the Emeril Lagasse seal of approval."

"Why not?" said Blaze. "Pierce, is it true you've got Kobe beef from Japan for tonight?"

"Absolutely," repiled the egotisical narcisstic, "exclusively improted by plane, rrrrrrr."

"Great!" chirped Blaze. "I heard Kobe cattle were given rubdowns and drink beer for their marbling."

"Steers drinking beer?" said a surprised Radley. "I wonder if they'd like some champagne to go with that?"

A few of the BHTs would laugh at that, before the food came-char broiled Kobe beef steaks, mashed

potatoes with exotic drawn butter, escargot (which were Bianca's favorite, but not by Radley who had

been sickened by them) larks' tongues in aspic, and the salad, which unbeknownst to the BHTs, was the

coca leaves Jett mistook for lettuce, mixed with carrots, onions, and white wine honey mustard imported

from Italy, finishing with strawberry mousse. Much later after the meal, the ten were laying on the couch,

feeling rather scrambled brained, so it was said.

"That was some meal," said Troy. "You were right about that Kobe beef as fantastic and tender, Pierce."

"Just goes to show what you can come across in Giada's recipie book," said the egotist. "Only, I forgot who

had the greens for the salad."

"That was me," said Jett, "you don't remember?"

"It was?" said Radley. "My mind must've slipped."

"I think you've been surfing for too long," said Bianca, adding, "although...that salad wasn't like any salad I ate

before, looking like leaves, with a minty taste to it..."

"Must've been something in the dressing," mused Gig. "By the way, what did you think of the vegtables we picked?"

"Great, " said Nikki, "right down to the carrots and the onions, even the exotic lettuce, er, any idea where you got

the lettuce seeds from, Italy?"

"Just got them from Salinas," said Jett, "but I didn't think they'd look like any lettuce I've seen before..."

"I don't know," said a delerious Wilshire, who was standing up in a daze, "but if you ask me...I feel strange..."

"Me too," said Lark, who also got up, as did the others, each, looking like zombies; to each other's POV, it looked

like each other's faces were distorting, even as Pink Floyd's On The Run was playing. At first all the color hues

were distorted, shifting and changing, then it looked like there were fishes swimming in the room, Troy morphing

into Jabba The Hutt, several rainbow colored time warps surging everywhere, and then a pulsing red glow, before

showers of white sparks shot upwards in the sky. Then it looked like the BHTs were in a surge of some euphoria, as

Radley said, "Let's surf the asteroids and land on the moon."

What happened next was unexplainable as the BHTs, under the effect of the coca leaves, chanted in unison,

"Match in the gas tank...BOOM BOOM!" then ran off, splitting up as they did so, out in the streets and into the

night. Once in that streets, it was said Nikki had been seen streaking in her lingerie, chanting, "Yah boo, sucks. I'm

all right!" Blaze, on the other had, had been spotted neat The Beverly Hilton, with a horse head mounted on a stick

as she ran, saying, "SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! THUS ALWAYS TO TYRANTS!"

Gig and Jett, for the most part, had hightailed it back to The Teenclub, and were at the dance hall, playing their

instruments, only they were playing a discorded melody that sounded like an out of whack generator as they sung

raucously, "GROOOOOOANNNNN, YICKA, YACKA, OOOOMPAH, OOMMMMMPAAH!" And naturally,

that turned off the other teens and other clientele, who booed and hissed at them, not to mention raspberried them.

It got even worse when Bianca jumped on the stage and, while Gig and Jett played along, armpit farted a few times,

the near mike picking up the sounds and amplifying them, the crowd (which included gossip queen Brenda

"Switchboard" Andes, Buck Huckster, the boy genius Chester McTech, his girlfriend and Pierce's kid sister Jillian

Thorndyke III and the one and only Tara Belle) getting more disgusted over the whole thing, before the black

haired diva let out in the mike, a long rude belch, which in turn, resulted in more loud BOO's and UGH's than

before, if not a lot of resentment.

"I want my money back," said Buck. "What a rip off of a show!"

"Now THAT is sure to make the top of the tabloid charts," said Switchboard, who wasted no time in scribbling

some notes in her book.

"What's gotten into then?" said a quizzical Chester. "It's not like them to act like that. Fascinating..."

"If you ask me," stated Jillian, "they're all cuckoo."

"Heavens to hominy grits," said a astounded Tara, " they're pert near acting like wild cats that ate some locoweed."

At that moment, Lark, wearing a diver's mask, came riding in the club all around the dance floor on a motorcycle,

scattering off the crowd riding in a circle and pulling to a stop to Buck and said, "Fill it up, sir, and get the

windsheild, will you?"

"Who, me?" said Buck. "Lark baby, you must be on the sauce."

Suddenly, Nikki, in her lingerie, ran in, to the shock of the crowd and said in a baby voice, "WHAAH! I

WANNA DRINK OF WATER! WHAAH! I WANNA DRINK OF WATER! WHAAH! I WANNA-!"

Seeing that, Chester sheilded his eyes, along with Jillian's, saying, "Don't look, Jill! X rated!"

"You don't have to say it twice!" said the shocked girl.

But there were more surprises indeed, for Pierce, in a fireman's hat and fire extinguisher, ran and yelled, "Fire! Fire!

Clear the way for Number Twelve!" before blasting all with powder from the said extinguisher, then adding, "Behold,

the teachings of Don Pierce!", followed by Radley who was trying to paddle a liferaft on the floor and doing that rather

slow; coming on behind was Wilshire on a tricycle calling out, "FIRE ZEE MIZZLES!" and using his fingers as guns

shooting off in that air. Then Blaze on her horse stick ran in and said, "Run for your lives, it's Billy The Kid! Don't

shoot!" then ran in circles.

"Heavens to Appomattox," moaned Tara, "now I know they've gone nuts!"

Troy, wearing a cooking pot on his head and wielding a fork in one hand and a spatula in the other, ran in and said,

"The Big Baboon Ate Ragu With A Spoon, In June, By The Light Of The Moon. Spirit animal, where'd you go?"

"Huh?" said Radley, still paddling, "where's the baboon?"

That was when Gig announced, "OK, that does it for our fantastic jam session, I got to put Jett to bed."

"So till next time," added Jett, "Mekalekahye, mekahynee-CLOSED."

After that, she and the rest of the drugged BHTs blew a long and ultra rude raspberry, then said in unison,

"IIIIIIISH! BOOM! CUCKOO!" before heading out the door, the crowd bewildered with what they saw.

But the antics were far from over, because half a mile away from The Teenclub, the BHTs were grouped around a

yellow barrel drun wich read in black on the side, stenciled writing: CHICKEN SOUP N.N.

"N.N.?" said Blaze. "What's N.N.?"

"No Noodles," said Nikki. "To think we stole it from The Teenclub kitchen-uh, where'll we put it?"

"I say we pour it in the water supply at The Merry Go Round Nursery," said Lark.

"How 'bout the gas stations in Beverly Hills?" said Radley.

"Dibs on the night deposit box at the bank," said Pierce.

"Better still," said Jett, "the fish tanks at Marineland."

"Wait," said Bianca, "I say, all of the above!"

Well, that went well with the BHTs, who picked up the drum and hauled if off to who knows where...

In the morning, the BHTs, having passed out in the Thorndyke mansion, and right on the couch, were waking

up, and at the same time, coming out from their drugged stupor, Wilshire leaning against Blaze, Pierce with his

head on Bianca's shoulder, Nikki laying near Radley, Jett laying near Gig on the said sofa and Lark slumped on

the floor, while Troy lay near her with the pot on his head. In fact, he was the first to groggily wake and looking

around, he said, "What's that soup pot on my head?"

"What hit me?" said Pierce, shaking his head to clean out the cobwebs in his mind, then added, "Where'd that

fireman's hat come from?"

"EEEEK!" shrieked Nikki upon awakening. "What happened to my clothing?! Radley! Get off me, you

pervert!"

"Huh?" said the surfer. "Oh, sorry, Nik, must've been dreamin' of surfin' the asteroids between Mars and Jupiter."

A groggy Lark said, "Mars and Jupiter? I dreamt I was singing the national anthem at The World Series-and I

wasn't in what you'd call formal wear. Rather embarrasing, so I took off in a motorcycle...how come my feet're tired?"

Feeling her head, her heart flopping like a toad, Bianca stated, "My head's feeling like a crock of guacamole..."

"Urp, just don't mention guacamole," moaned Wilshire. "My head..."

"Least I've still got a head," said Jett. "only what happened? The last thing I remembered was after the dinner and

that mint flavored salad we had...I felt euphoric, so...free...and then it felt like I was going crazy before I blacked

out..."

"...and the next thing I knew," added Gig, "we're on the sofa, as if we recovered after a binge...I dreamt, me and

you were playing Woodstock."

"Cool," said Radley, "I didn't know you dreamt you were imitating Peanuts characters."

"Rad," said Blaze, "when they were passing out the brains, you weren't at the end of the line, you were on vacation-

but then, so was I, dreamt that I was chasing Billy The Kid...by the way, where'd I get that horsey stick?"

Nikki, who had found and got on her clothing said, "Like you had to ask. I dreamt I was a cross between a baby and

Ray Stevens doing The Streak."

That was when the door opened and Jillian, with Chester and his briefcase (which contained his portable lab and

laptop computer) in tow, saying, "You guys and gals're in a lot of trouble now, you and your nutzo antics you did last

night."

"Nutzo antics?" echoed Pierce. "Get out of here, rugrat, now, we've got our own problems and we don't need someone like you

speading rumor mills just like Switchboard."

"I hate to say it," said a matter of fact Chester, "but Jillian's telling the truth, and while we're on the subject of

Switchboard, she's doing a news report right now on KBHT."

For the moment, the egotist hesitated, then picke up the remotes for the 50 inch high def plasma screen and digital

sattellite, and switched both on; in a few seconds, Switchboard's visage came onscreen as she said, "The city known as

Beverly Hills was asleep and already, horrid things had happened. To begin with, early in the morning, I went to the

nearest gas staion to fill my tank, and it got filled with, of all things, chicken soup, and worst of all, it had no noodles.

BUT...that was after last night, when ten of our fellow members of The Beverly Hills Teenclub must've somehow

partied over the limit, because for some reason they came last night to The Teenclub, and started acting real rude, crude,

and bizarre, as your roving reporter will prove."

The screen changed to some vid shots of The Teenclub, no doubt taken by Switchboard, depicting Lark on her cycle, Troy

with the pot on his head, Radley on the boat, Pierce playing fireman, Gig and Jett making music that wasn't even music,

Blaze on her horse stick, Nikki in her satin skivies, Wilshire on the tricycle and Bianca armpit farting and belching-all of

which horrified the BHTs, as expected.

"G-r-r-r-r, Switchboard, that muckraker! hissed Pierce. "That can't be me!"

"What a bummer!" said Troy. "Must be impostors like us doing that and yet...if THAT was us...I feel sick."

"Totally freaky deaky," said Radley. "We could kick ourselves for what we did, if we did do that, which we did."

"EEEEEK! OH NO!" said Nikki. "I was in my unmentionables and before all those people?!"

"What Switchboard did is bad enough," said Bianca, her face red as a beet, "but the fact I was de clase to act real

crude-I'll be the disgrace of The Teenclub for sure! I'll kill that Switchboard and no court'll convict me!"

"Take a number," said Blaze. "I just wanna hogtie and brand that Switchboard-to think I was riding a toy horse in

The Teenclub!"

"I could've died last night, riding a motorcycle and acting like that!" said Lark.

"Great, just great," said Gig. "We were under the influence and Switchboard had to telecast it."

"We're ruined!" said Jett. "That tin horned modern times Mata Hari got us when we were in a nutty state, I just

wanna shred her jockey shorts!"

"Did we do all that?" said Wilshire. "I don't even remember all that."

"However," said the gossip girl, "we know those poor souls had a dinner party at Pierce Thorndyke III's place, so it's

believed they had dinner, some joker must've spiked their food with drugs, causing them to act like they did, as such, we'll hopefully

clear the big mystery then."

Well...the BHTs at hand were jabbering at once as to how all that happened, how to solve the mystery and how to

get back at Switchboard for taping them and broadcasting that on the air waves...until Chester spoke up, "People...

Switchboard did say that some joker may had spiked the food that you ate drugs...you see it in the news on how at

one time or another how someone in the food companies, American or foreign, accidental or on purpose, puts

something like drugs in some food products before that gets shipped out."

"I remember that possibility," said Blaze. "Rmember the time that chili company wound up in a lawsuit when

someone found bits of marijuana in one chili can, and another can, e coli bacteria?"

"And you're saying the food I bought for our dinner may had been tainted?" said a doubtful Pierce. "Couldn't be; I

had everything inspected at the stores and factories before it got here-everything but the vegtables that Gig and

Jett brought here."

"Which, by the way," said Jett, " were raised by Gig and me; we grew the carrots, the onions and the lettuce-

although the lettuce the lettuce did look strange, sort of leafy like that of a tree; I thought it was exotic lettuce

seeds we had planted."

"I don't know, " said Gig, who glared at Jett, adding, "You sure it WAS lettuce you picked from our garden?"

"Could've been," stammered Jett, "almost all leafy vegtables looked the same, I thought."

"Let's remove all doubt from the matter," said the boy genius. "Is there any of that lettuce salad left over?"

"We did have, now that I think of it," said the egotist "before it went into that salad, but it looked strange as an

'exotic salad...'"

With that in mind, Pierce went to the kitchen, and came back with a bowl of the so called "lettuce," which did look

more tree leafy than ordinary lettuce, saying to Chester, "See what you can make of of our 'exotic greens,' O Great

Karnak."

Examining the leaves, Chester then selected one leaf and after setting up his portable lab and laptop, went to work,

placing the sample leaf in a portable electronic microscope, running chemical tests and entering several keystrokes

in the lap top (with several displays flashing onscreen)...and after an hour, he spoke, "Coca leaves!"

"Coca leaves?!" echoed a shocked Bianca. "As in what the crime syndicates use to make cocaine?!"

"Looks like it," replied the boy genius. "That one here seems to had been imported from Tijauna, Mexico...high

grade, the sort of thing that would be worth $15,000 a pound. You know, you read in the parpers on how a seed of

such drugs like hemp, marijuana, coca leaves etc., can blow away loose in the wind and land in someone's yard,

planting itself till it grows into a tree of pure high grade material for cocaine."

"And you're saying we had salad with drugs in it?" said a surpirsed-and fearful-Nikki. "It's a miricle we didn't

die from that."

"The ultimate trip," muttered a glum Radley, "now THAT is way beyond freaky deaky, ugh...and we just rode

the pipeline of chemical highs-and lived."

"So what do those coca leaves do?" said Jett, a worried look on her face.

"At first, they can give you a pseudo feeling of euphoria," replied Chester, " and sometimes give you a burst of energy

as well as more interest to the opposite gender, however that can also cause hallucinations, paranoia, increased heart

rate, psychotic swings and in larger overdoses, death."

Shuddering, Blaze said, "And we ALMOST nearly died from that."

"And worst of all," added Troy, "there's tough laws in Beverly Hills when it comes to drug possession."

"The only choice we got," said Lark, "is to track down that coca leaf tree, turn it into the police and tell then

someone planted it by mistake and that we wanted to get rid of it-honesty is the best policy."

"What's the second best policy?" said Radley. "Even if we did turn in the drug bush, we'd still be busted for possession

anyhow."

"Why confess before we have to?" said Chester "I already own an incinerator at Mc Tech Labs with HEPA filters that should enable me to

burn the leaves yet prevent the cocaine smoke from turning all of Beverly Hills into potheads."

"And I say Jett and I will head back home and uproot those coca trees," said Gig, "then we'll figure out how to get

rid of them without drawing attention to Old Bill."

"Old Bill?" said Jillian.

"British police," replied the boy genius.

Quite possibly, it was the first time that Jett had ever cried before. And cry she did when she and Gig got home.

"Jett," said the transplanted UK rocker, "didn't you know the difference between romaine lettuce and coca leaves?"

"How was I to know?" wailed the bleach blonde in her tears. "We could've died last night from those drugs and it's

all my fault!"

Listen, if you want to make up for your mistakes," said Gig, "then help me uproot those coca leaf trees."

And Jett did just that, when she and Gig uprooted every last coca leaf tree then loaded them in their Rockmobile

before driving down to Mc Tech Labs.

Within moments, Chester and Jillian had extracted the last of the ashes into a sealable saftey can while the ten

BHTs cheered on.

"That does it," said the boy genius, "so much for those coca leaf plants."

"And you're sure that smoke didn't affect any one for miles?" said Lark.

"Thanks to the HEPA filters and chemical processing," replied Chester, "it's unlikely any coca smoke will make any

denizens go bonkers."

"Or worse," added Jillian.

"Hopefully," said Troy, "the others in The Teenclub will let bygones be bygones after hearing what truly happened."

"And once again," said gig, our natural gartden business stays unscathed." Turning to Jett, he added, "To quote

Troy, I hope you learned your lesson, Jett."

"And how," agreed Jett. "Could've been worse though; Switchboard would've made a profit one that broadcast she

did of us acting like fools."

"Speaking of Switchboard..., " said Pierce.

"...we got some unfinished business...," added Bianca.

You can imagine Switchboard's fear the day she was up a oak tree, terrified, while down below were ten furious

BHTs, with paintball and taser guns, all aimed at the gossipmonger.

"Have a heart, guys!" wailed Switchboard. "Inquiring minds want to know and I've got a reputation to protect!"

"Come down from that tree, Switchboard," roared Bianca, "and take you medicine like a girl, before we put you

under siege!"

THE EVER LOVING END.

Happy hunting. BHT fans, unite!

-a440.


End file.
